Golf Jokes; humor for a rainy day

br> Tryout some of these classic golf jokes the next time your stuck in a rain delay or just waiting to tee off.

Head down: A young man is playing golf with the pope. At a short par 3 the pope asks the young man, "What club are you going to use on this hole my son?"

The young man says, "A nine iron, father. How about you?"

The pope says, "I'm going to his a soft eight iron and pray."

The young man hits his nine iron and puts the ball on the green pin high. The pope takes his shot next and tops his eight iron and bounces the ball out only a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about your excellence, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."


Sex & Golf: What do golf and sex have in common?
They're two things you can enjoy even if you're bad at both of them.

Golf a Sin? After church one Sunday, one of the church goers walked up to his priest and said, "Father, is it a sin to play golf on Sundays?

"My son," said the priest, putting his hand on the man's shoulder, "I've seen your golf game, it's a sin any day".

Golfing in the Rain: Two long time golfers were standing over-looking the river. One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots fishin' in the rain."

P-U-T-T: A schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Time to improve: There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly ... or start cheating.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice ... once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.


Stung: A woman golfer suffers a terrible bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it.

"What happened?" asked the doctor.

"I was golfing and I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer.

The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"

Genie in a Bottle: A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.

A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you,I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I would like to do is give each of you one wish, and I will keep the last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," says the genie, "it's the least I could do. And you, madam, what do you want?"

"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.

"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don't mind, honey, I don't either."

The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he's through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replies.

"And he still believes in genies?"

Patience: Q: What is the difference between a lost golf ball and the G-spot?
A: A man is willing to spend at least 5 minutes looking for the lost golf ball.

Unwed: A minister went to the local golf course hoping to find someone to play a round of golf with. As luck would have it, there was a member in the pro shop looking for a game, so they were introduced and went to the first tee.

The member asked, "What's your handicap?"

The minister replied, "I'm a twelve."

The member said, "Oh, good, so am I. Would you like to bet a dollar a hole?"

The minister agreed, and when they finished they went into the club house.

As the minister was shelling out eighteen dollars to the member, he said, "Say, I'd like for you to come down to the church sometime."

The member said, "'I'd like to do that."

Then the minister added, "And bring your mother and father; I'd like to marry them."

Caddie: A golfer was out playing on a course that he had never played before so he decided he would hire a caddie from the pro shop to show him the layout of the course, and help him decide what shots to play.
     
On the first tee, the golfer miss-hit his shot, and it dribbled forward about 15 yards. He was slightly embarrassed, but determined to play a better second shot. He hit his second shot into the bordering fairway, and his third shot into a sand trap. By the time he holed out on this Par 4, he was 6 over par.
     
The man turned to his caddie and said, "Well, I have never played this badly before!"
     
To which the caddie replied, "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."


Water Hazard: Two Scottish lads, Olof and Angus are playing golf and come upon a water hole.

Olof tees up and hits it into the middle of the pond.
He reaches into his bag to find that he is out of balls. He then asks Angus for
a ball and proceeds to hit it into the pond as well. This goes on for 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for yet another ball, Angus says."Olof, these
ball cost me a pretty penny,"

Olof replies "Och!, Angus if you cannee afford to play the game, ya should
nee be out here"

Head Down: A very bad golfer is playing at new course and he is having a very bad day.

He is on the 18th hole, and he see's a lake.
He says to his caddy "I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake".
The caddy says" I don't think you can, you can't keep your head down that long

Sore Teeth: A couple of seniors were golfing one day when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."


Scratch: Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?"
"Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"

Golfing Blind: A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?


Bus Schedule: At a municipal golf course, a foursome approached the tee of the 430-yard, par-4 sixth hole. The long, straight fairway ran along a road that was fenced on the right.

The green was slightly to the left of the straightaway with another road paralleling the green from which golfers often received heckler calls.

The first golfer teed off with a long ball slice in the direction of the road. The ball went over the fence, bounced 150 yards down the road, where it hit the tire of a moving city bus and was knocked back on to the golf course stopping just 10 yards short of the green.

As they all stood in amazement, a fellow golfer asked,
"How on earth did you do that?"
The response came without hesitation, "You have to know the bus schedule


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